[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
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Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Pretty much! 😂👀
mechanics be like
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.