Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
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In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.