[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
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Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much