Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
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I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”