cats when you pet them too long:
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Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Broom by every window for quick escape.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.