I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
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Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
crochet youtube is brutal
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler