Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
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*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
it is time once again