If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
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“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Pringles
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I beg your pardon?
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I want this so bad
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I’ll be mad as hell!
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!