Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
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If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Previously On Persistence 😎
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.