One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
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jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
honestly, i need both:
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Yes, but it was never about money