My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
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Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months