Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
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*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*