I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
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Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
My first son he is wonderful
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.