I have a black belt in leather
You Might Also Like
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Has science gone too far?
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”