The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
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we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Straight people are cancelled
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Wait for it
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”