today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
You Might Also Like
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I feel it
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.