I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
You Might Also Like
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Incredible customer service.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.