[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
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My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
all that yoga finally paid off
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?