my dog when i have a friend over
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*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.