It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
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Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Dune (2021)
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches