This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
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Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I want what they have
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.