Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
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Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out