Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
A friend sent me this.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Herpes is trending, good job people
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.