People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
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to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.