Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
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When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?