From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
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KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
My work here is done
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year