FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
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Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred