Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
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“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday