Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
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Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”