PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
You Might Also Like
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Fixed this for Shakespeare
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone