I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
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[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same