Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
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Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”