My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
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My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Europe. Made in Germany.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.