I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.