In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
You Might Also Like
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Vodka burrito was a success
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand