Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
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LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.