Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
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I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast