my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
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The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
God has abandoned us.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth