The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
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Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god