If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
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“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.