Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
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When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road