My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
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respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind