I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.