HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
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My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
This is amazing.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me: