“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
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My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach