No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
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*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀