4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
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when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Not today, today.
Not today.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars