My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
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Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Imma just leave this here…………
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”