16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
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Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Schrödinger’s cookie
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
The Joker was right
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.