Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
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Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
the greatest twitter interaction
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s